Red Pandas

This feels like an optimal moment to remind everybody about how awesome and adorable red pandas are.

Arguably the derpiest creatures in the animal kingdom, red pandas spend the majority of their time in random mischief and bumping their faces into walls and other solid objects. They dislike the inherent ‘red panda unfriendliness’ of doors, as they can never seem to open the damn things. And it is a common goal of red pandas to climb at least one human per day, especially humans with snacks.

Their voices are unexpectedly high pitched, and they engage in regular gymnastic routines when bored, as is evidenced at approximately 1:34 in the above video.

Pumpkins are the arch rivals of the red panda. Their primary attack against said rivals is a face smash, where they smash their face into the pumpkin as many times as possible to wear down the pumpkin’s defenses. In moments where smashes fail, they attack with affectionate hugs.

On occasion, red pandas reach moments of epiphany, and begin to believe that they are actually humans. In these moments of epiphany the red pandas regularly begin to philosophize on existentialism and ponder the various mathematical moral dilemmas presented by game theory. These bouts of human thought and activity carry on for sprints of about five seconds, and in these moments they even try to walk upright, but they inevitably fall flat on their sides once reality brings them back to the fact that they are, indeed, red pandas.

It is known that red pandas have a deep fascination with hats. Though the moral code of the red panda community regularly advocates ‘do not steal,’ red pandas have great difficulty obeying this simple commandment when within a paw’s reach of a nice, grey baseball cap. This fact also holds true when red pandas are in the vicinity of trays of food, they can’t keep away.

I’m launching a petition online for us to re-populate the nearest earthlike planet with red pandas. A vessel containing red panda fetuses will spend many a millennia floating through the cosmos until they land at their destination. The planet will be terraformed and subsequently re-populated exclusively with red pandas, along with some nice plants. There will be robots with cameras on the vessel as well, and videos of the red pandas on their newfound planet will be sent back to Earth for the enjoyment of future generations. This petition can be signed by hitting the follow button on my blog. Likes also count as signatures, and there are several posts on my blog now, so feel free to sign as many times as you want for a world run by red pandas.

All joking aside, red pandas are some of the most magnificent animals in the world in my eyes, and they never fail to brighten my day. Hopefully they can brighten yours as well! 🙂

And in response to the probable question in your head, yes my blogs posts can be deeply random.